Today was one of those days - a Monday - when I just could not get the ball rolling. I had little energy for the day and even less motivation. I tried to read my daily devotion to start off with some inspiration, but ended up reading about how the disciples fled in fear and abandonment, after the crucifixion of their leader and friend.
I feel like I've been doing the same. My leader and friend seems so distant and my challenges seem so blocked-up and pressed into a jumble of confusion and mire. I try to remain single minded and focussed. I try to keep a positive attitude. Today at lunch I sat away from my coworkers to avoid disappointing them with my melancholy. It felt good, safe and calm to pull away- until they all moved over to my table and started talking about "how was your Easter weekend?"
Bah.
This funk I'm in is deep. It reflects my feelings of disappointment in so many areas of my life. Professionally, I haven't been able to leave work for the last 2 years saying "I've done all I could today." In my ministry, the guys I serve with must think I'm a flake. In my home I have so much desire to be "there" for my family- but I get home and barely have enough energy to listen to the stories about their day. In my neighborhood, in my church, in my job, at play... I can't seem to see any hope.
I'm going to bed early tonight.
Maybe in the morning I'll be able to see more clearly- beyond the haze of myself and into the glory of the sun.
